Hey,
Every time I return from your place, I find myself glued to this screen, musing over my wonderfully intrusive thoughts. A tiny, overcaffeinated part of my overthinking brain whispers, “Maybe this is a bit much,” but hey, screw it I’m still going to jot it all down. I might not even tell you I wrote something, or who knows, maybe I’ll blurt it out the moment I’m done. Let’s see where this vodka-fueled (but totally sober!) ramble takes me.
Oh, and by the way, I know I’m overdoing it, but guess what? I like it. You’ll just have to put up with this extra layer of me.
So, attachment, huh? Is this what it feels like? Can’t say it’s entirely unfamiliar, but it’s never pushed me to write about it before. So, yeah, this feels kinda new. It’s not just new, though there’s a weirdness to it too. Scratch that, it’s more like a terror. But hey, terrified might be putting it mildly. Don’t worry, though, I’m not trying to spook you… just sharing my thoughts, quirks and all.
(Ooooh, I don’t know how the russians do it, second shot burned like hell, I am going to take some time to recover from this)
I’m back (after zoning out for about 15 minutes, but here I am). Getting back to the point—this attachment thing? It’s pretty terrifying. Let me explain why. Suddenly, you start overthinking everything—your actions, your efforts, your behavior, every little detail. You begin to care deeply because this person has become important to you. And with that care comes a new fear—the fear of hurting them, the fear that something you do might push them away. It’s this constant awareness that every action now matters more because they matter to you.
But hey, there’s this thing called the Paradox of Vulnerability (and yes, I did some research on it, so please don’t label me a nerd just yet). This paradox works both ways, but let me try to explain. On one hand, I might feel like these thoughts are silly or that you’ll judge me harshly for them. On the other hand, you might actually find it sweet. The truth is, I have no way of knowing how you’ll react, and that’s what makes me hesitant to bring it up. So, I’m putting it into words instead. Even if you do judge me, I’m willing to take that risk.
(Im’ma order myself something sweet now, but it’s not the same without you here to share it… you know what I mean? 😉)
You know, attachment comes with expectations from both sides, and that’s the part I can’t stand. Expectations have this annoying way of turning into an unsettling mess, and I try to avoid them because, one way or another, someone ends up getting hurt—whether it’s intentional or not. The problem is that expectations are like opinions; everyone has their own perspective, and those perspectives don’t always align. But hey, maybe one day we’ll be able to talk about our expectations openly and just clear the air.
Alright, that got serious pretty quickly. Let’s talk about something else for a bit. It’s been a while since I said “I love you,” so here it is I love you, sunshine!
I can’t believe that this Monday, I was out shopping for plants for someone. It might sound cheesy, but honestly, it never felt like I was buying them for someone else. It felt like I was picking them out for my own home.
(Okay this third one was a mistake, feels like torture)
In a way, this fear feels like a good thing because it keeps me grounded and helps me keep my actions in check. I’m not going to let you go, but I also want to strike a balance. I don’t want to lose myself by overthinking or get overwhelmed. So, I’m trying to figure out how to be open with you without feeling shy or making things awkward.
There’s one more thing I wanted to touch on, and that’s about insecurities. When you care deeply for someone, it seems like a storm of insecurities starts brewing. It’s definitely not a pleasant experience, but I’m committed to working on it. These insecurities are things we usually prefer to keep hidden, leaving us wondering, “Am I doing enough?” or “Am I enough?”
You might recall me mentioning that I’m scared of heights, yet I still find myself climbing mountains. Similarly, I don’t want to let the fear of attachment hold me back. I want to learn how to face these insecurities rather than letting them simmer in the background. I hope you’re able to do the same with your feelings. Thanks for bringing this side of me to light!
let’s call it a night, and don’t forget my famous words
Stick around!
always yours! Sahil